*tap* Is this thing on? Hey, wait… who are these people? Uh… ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm here to read a statement:
Over the course of the last few months we've received a record number of complaints from parents, politicians and most world leaders. Apparently mainstream media outlets are claiming Pentakill is "single-handedly responsible for the moral decline of Runeterra" and "contributing to the delinquency of today's youth."
I'm here to assure you we're going to stop using words like: #$&*, %&$^, @#$, *%&^, #%&$#%$^&, mother#$%^@&, #$%clown, #$%@^!&, %$^#face, $%#^lips, %$^#head, !%@^$&#, @&#&*$*@, %^$&^$%&, $%#^head, @#$%wad, ^*%&, #%^!slapper, $^%&-in-a-box, horse$%#^ or !@#$%^&*^#&@%^!%^@$#%$^#@%!^$^.
They also asked us to apologize to a few people in particular:
- Ahri, we're sorry you got thrown out of the after party with that crowd of groupies. I mean, if we had known you were actually a soul-sucking fox-demon, we'd never have done something like that. Call me. 487 RP
- Rumble, we regret that our rabid fans ripped your war machine apart after it shorted out on that exposed wiring backstage. Even though it was pretty %&*^ of you not to take responsibility. The resulting electrical fire did some serious damage to our set, and probably killed a few roadies. 440 RP
- I apologize for throwing you off the stage into the crowd, Kassadin. I mean, I figured you'd be fine. They always catch me when I stage dive, and there's no way I could have known your Rift Walk was on cooldown. 395 RP
- We're also sorry that we kicked you out when you showed up backstage as Pre-Void Kassadin. We have standards, and you just aren't metal enough without the mask. 487 RP
- We know we shouldn't have fired you from our security force, Karate Kennen, but the martial arts thing you've got going on doesn't seem to intimidate people in light of your… abridged stature. Besides, you were always building up static electricity and interfering with the electronics. 260 RP
- We're sorry we decided to build our new recording studio in the Ionian mountains, Traditional Lee Sin. In retrospect, recording a death metal album right outside of a monastery was probably inconsiderate. We were just looking for some more organic reverb. 260 RP
#^%ing $#^@! What the @#$% did I just read? Who the !@%& wrote this %&$*ing speech? I mean, apologizing? We don't $^%&ing apologize. For @#^$'s sake, do they !@%#ing think we're Death Cab for Corki or something? This is metal – how the hell am I even supposed to write lyrics if I can't say “@%#^?” That doesn't make any #%$#ing sense!
Yorick
Listen, we just had to read the statement. We don't actually have to do anything. Our new publicist thought we could use some positive attention after the… uh… incident. You know, especially after all those... uh… other incidents we've had this tour.
Mordekaiser
No, I'm with Karthus on this one. This guy's gone too far. Next press conference he'll want us to promise not to sing about things like drugs. Or murder. Or like… what's that thing called where you rip somebody's soul out of their body and make it kill all their friends?
No, I'm with Karthus on this one. This guy's gone too far. Next press conference he'll want us to promise not to sing about things like drugs. Or murder. Or like… what's that thing called where you rip somebody's soul out of their body and make it kill all their friends?
I mean, what are we going to sing about then? You agree with me, right, Sona?
Sona
…
Yorick
That's not what he's saying. He's just saying public opinion's a little touchy after last night's concert. You know, where they found Karthus' sober companion disemboweled and hanging from the stage lights during the chorus of our new song "I'm Going to Disembowel You and Hang You from the Stage Lights."
Olaf
Wait, we had a concert last night AND Karthus murdered his sober companion? Oh man that's brutal. I totally don't remember any of that.
Hey, $&%$ you, Olaf! Allegedly! Allegedly murdered! That investigation's still ongoing, and I'm confident that new evidence will surface to exonerate me. Otherwise I overpaid that forensics consultant.
Oh $#^%! Are all of you still here? Look uh… these skins and champions are only on sale between April 5and April 8, so be sure to buy them before they go back to full price. I have to go fire another publicist.
